I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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