Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
