So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
