i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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