My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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