2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I CAN MOONWALK!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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