What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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