I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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