Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm bleeding and have questions
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
