whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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