PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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