i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
