Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
