So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
