I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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