So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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