Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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