When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
