First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
