Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
honey bunches of taint.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
