Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
