If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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