I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
