I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
