I just cut my nipple shaving
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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