I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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