you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
