Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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