I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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