its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
