Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
