Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Houston, we have a squirter
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
