dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
