Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
