Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
zippers are such a cool invention
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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