I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
