My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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