So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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