Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
