can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
