the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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