I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
