i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
