he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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