Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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