so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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