My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
