hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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