I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
