I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
