I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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