I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
