Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
