just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
