So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
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A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
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I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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