I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
