Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
