you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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