i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
