If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
