the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
please come you make the beer taste better
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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