Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
